WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
