im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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