Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
