some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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