guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
