Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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