I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
