Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
