I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
