I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
