Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
