Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
