have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
