I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
