I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
