Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
