when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
