oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
