how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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