Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
