I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Need sex. Gaining weight.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
