I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
