I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
