there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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