Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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