from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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