every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
