I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
