i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
