From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
