how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
