I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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