I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
