I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
