oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize