My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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