You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
