I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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