I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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