she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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