can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Randomize
