I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
3pm strippers are depressing
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
