I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
No...this little piggys going to the bar
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
