i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
