If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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