I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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