Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
