i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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