11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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