plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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