Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
