thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Randomize
