connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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