i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
