sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
