Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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