the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
