god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
