party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
