I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
