So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I need to calm my uterus...
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
