The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
