her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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