Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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